10.22.13 Rage... pure and simple...the Beast from within

Bountiful Blessings

October 22, 2013

Well, I didn’t send out a BB last week. I had a wonderful weekend with Summer in Nashville at the Southern Festival of Books. Absolutely wonderful. So what changed? Instead of riding the wonderful high, I woke up on Monday with this dark, repressed rage. I saw everything through a haze of red. It was scary. Even to me. I do not have a temper; I am pretty easy going. A quick flash here and there but nothing to be concerned about. But Monday? Whew, honey. (insert shiver here) And so out of the blue… I couldn’t decide…. Was it that horrid menopause sneaking up on me? Was it unexpected and undiagnosed depression? Ill health? A psychotic break? The devil working on me? I hated myself, my life and everyone around me. Seriously, Terri???

 Thankfully, the beast went back to sleep. I never ever want to be that person again. I am a little ashamed about it now. Makes me wonder who I am. What kind of monster am I? And so, so ungrateful. And so ugly. I had to hide like Quasimodo. I didn’t want others to see me like that. (And I also just plain ol’ didn’t wanna be around em, lets be honest).

But as the embers died down and I returned to “me”, the world lost two wonderful women – Ms Virginia Darby and Ms Nora Mullinax. Both women brought beauty to the world. Ms Virginia Darby was my sister in Christ and my sister in Eastern Star. She shared her life in stories. I learned of her love of the beach, time with her granddaughter and her garden. She had a dry sense of humor that would catch you off guard. And her Ruth? No one else will ever be able to do it the same. J And Mrs Mullinax. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing her. She was the mother of a dear friend, Ms Peggy. Ms Peggy is our Worthy Matron in Eastern Star. A true treasure. I know that Mrs Mullinax was a wonderful person because of her wonderful daughter. Saturday was Ms Virginia’s funeral and Monday was Mrs Mullinax. God opened his arms and said “Welcome, my children, you are home”.

Two beautiful hearts lost in one week. And then I am wasting mine. Letting it fill with rage and hatred. Have I lost my mind? Yesterday I celebrated my 47^th birthday. I received so many wonderful birthday wishes from friends and family and got two surprises (beautiful flowers from Summer (my spectacular daughter) and a card/gift card from Jim <Jim’s was a surprise cause he forgets the date a lot. He is usually late.>) I sat in quiet recollection yesterday of the past few days and the lessons that I learned. I learned that I can be bad -a fact that I am not proud of. I learned that life is a precious gift – do not squander even one minute of it. I learned that if it was menopause, it is not pretty. I learned that 47 is an awesome age. I learned that I have wonderful friends and family – well, I knew that already. I learned that sometimes you have to push through – the pain, the anger, the sadness, whatever is blocking your path. I learned that despite it all, I have people who will stand beside me, who will support me, who will lend a hand, who will help me overcome. I learned that God will never forsake me.

Thought for the week:

Do not let negative emotions create negative actions.

Prayer for the week:

Dear Lord,

I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I was a horrid mess. Full of rage and bitterness. Ugly. But you, Lord, you saw through the darkness. You offered me a light. You led me back and shined your love over my life, coloring everything beautiful. I am so thankful for you and your presence in my life. You make everything good again including me. I am not worthy of such attention but you continue to raise me up and give me hope for my life and my future. I love you, Lord, with all my heart and soul. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

 Bible verse for the week:

For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.       James 1:20

Bible fun for the week: